One day I woke up depressed
Imagine my shock when one day I woke up depressed. In case you didn’t know, I am a superhero in my own mind. I often claim I own a pair of tights and a cape–even though I’ve usually misplaced them. Hence my complete confusion when I was sitting in my living room on a Sunday night and realized I’m deeply depressed. My surprise comes from the fact that I had no idea. I was truly shocked. I’m a mom of two amazing kids, in a wonderful relationship with a man so perfect for me that I regularly pinch myself, I have a wonderful business as a Beachbody Coach, have over 15-years in my profession, have a collegiate degree in my profession from Michigan State University , and sit as President of a Board of professionals in my area. My life, overall, ROCKS.
What the heck is depressed?!?
I really just thought I was stressed out. I figured my oh-so-crazy life was just taking over and I needed to suck it up and push through. But, as the days went on, much was left undone but depression never occurred to me.
My past has taught me to compartmentalize (I call it a worm hole). I will take anything I don’t want to think about, talk about, or remember and shove it in the worm hole and slam the door. It worked for me for YEARS until counseling showed me a glimpse of what was in there (I had literally blocked much of those memories from my mind and had forgotten they existed). It took more than a year of regular counseling but I dang near emptied that worm hole…but apparently it still sat there waiting for me to feed it again. My work life is crushingly stressful right now. I have been jamming stuff in there for about 7 months. Sunday night, I was so depressed I cried.
I was so deeply depressed with no idea WHY . I went to bed and said that i just wanted to quit. Gregg said he’d support me quitting my job. I said I wanted to quit it ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL. EVERYTHING felt like work. EVERYTHING felt hard. I was on life support. The last time I felt like this was when my marriage was crumbling. I was a wreck. In a VERY dark place and it was all I could do to get through a day. Once I realized where I was emotionally, it took some unraveling but, given my tools I learned through counseling, have gotten to the root of it and am gradually fixing it.
It’s the simple things that suddenly are not so simple. For example, I was able to put laundry away that’s been on my floor for 9 weeks. Yes, 9 weeks. Clean clothes–just on my floor–cuz it was too much to put away. I accomplished 2 major tasks on my work list that have been there since April. APRIL!!! I was sooooooooooo shocked that I was depressed–but then it all made sense once I worked through part of it.I had my basic life functions that I knew I NEEDED to accomplish–and then the list just got chipped away at from there. I often said, “If it’s not on fire in my windshield of life–it’s not getting done.” I took care of my kids, got my work done at my job, regularly nurtured my relationship with Gregg, and that was about it. When I say I was on “life support” I did what NEEDED to be done…but not much more. Depression had taken hold.
Since then…
Since then I’ve been just doing it. Say what? Yes, I’ve just been doing it. What the heck am I talking about? Well…take 5 minutes and hear Art Williams tell you what I’m talking about. Watch it. Go on now…watch it. Did you watch it? Then you know what I mean when I say I have just been doing it. I have created “to do” lists to help me. I’m back in therapy. I’m taking supplements to help my body combat with the stress. I’m working out. I’m reaching out to friends. I’m plugging into as many POSITIVE outlets that I have available.
Why am I sharing this? Because spouting off in the negative ways won’t help me but positive ways will help me. Sharing my heart. Sharing my struggle. Opening myself up and letting you know that even those with “perfect lives” struggle and please allow me to encourage you to cast your judgement aside and ask questions. Get to know your neighbor. Learn to understand your in-laws. Find a way to relate to your boss. Many of you will not relate to me and I’m okay with that. I’m not talking to you. I’m talking to those that DO get me and DO understand where I was. I hope my story helps you.
People will either be your biggest source of angst or your biggest source of comfort. Your actions will have much influence over the role they play. Open up. Share. Get help. Seek development. But understand that life is difficult–and it’s not designed to be endured alone. Allow others on your path and let them help you on your journey.
Life is not about the destination. It’s about the journey.
beachbody, BeachBody Coach, body beast, chalene johnson, commitment2fitness, depressed, depression, emotions, Exercise, Fitness, hard job, insanity, p90x, relationships, self esteem, shaun t, stacey, stacey hanna, stacey05, stress, symptoms of depression, Tony Horton, treatment of depression, Turbo Fire, work environment, work life sucks, workout
Gregg Bird
Simply – You. Are. Amazing. <3
Stacey Hanna
I. Love. You.
Melindalise
get. a. room. (sorry, just had to do it) wink wink
Joann
Stacey at our age, yes 24 and holding, much of depression is caused by hormonal imbalance. I tell you this because I have gone from crazy psycho bitch 2 days a month to completely hopeless 2 weeks a month and tired of everything the other 2 weeks. Talk to your ob/gyn, luckily I pay really close attention to myself (because it is all about me) and noticed the change before it got out of control. I use a cream one week a month and am as normal as I can get : ) Good Luck! Joann
Stacey Hanna
Yes Joann. At the ripe age of 24 (wink wink) biology has a mind of its own. 🙂
Kasner
This was great Stacey. I feel honored to know that someone so outwardly successful, has many of the same pitfalls (or black holes) as me. I have suffered with clinical depression for most of my life, as well as ADD, OCD, and blah blah blah.. It’s a hard enough thing to keep the river of life running smoothly without the rapids and rocks. If I’ve learned anything in my difficult, hard worked 37 years, it’s that life keeps coming… it never stops. Sometimes life is like being strapped to a theatre chair with toothpicks holding your eyes open to watch the worst movie ever that won’t end. It just keeps coming…. but you can never stop. There are people that depend on us because they think we’re stronger than we know. Never stop.
I’ll end this with my favorite quote:”It ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!” – Rocky Balboa
Can’t wait to meet you in person some day. All the best to you and Greg. See you in the Swarm Cave!Kasner
Stacey Hanna
WOW Kaz! Thank you so much for sharing. I never know who I’m going to hit when I put something out there and really appreciate your input and your story. Life certainly has its twists and turns and begin adaptable to those can be its own Mission Impossible 🙂 I’m thankful that you keep showing up and keep fighting the fight. WAY TO GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m honored to be your team mate and your friend. Thank you!
Tariab4
Again, I say, you are so AMAZING!
Stacey Hanna
Goodness I love you! Thank you, Taria!
Kmclain33
Stacey,
I was there…you know, in that spot of hopelessness only a short time ago. I didn’t even know it! I will tell you that your encouragement as my coach and a friend has helped being me up from that mire and level me out. Everything you spoke of that was causing this in your life resonated with me.
Stacey Hanna
ohhhh Kari!!!! Thank you so much for sharing with me!!!!!!!!!! I appreciate you SO much!!!
Jessica Kelts
I’ve been there Stacey…. hugs to you. I spent 5 years on Prozac. It first manifested as anxiety attacks. After I started taking care of myself (shortly after joining BeachBody), I tapered off of it. I still have moments when I’m overwhelmed. I hope you are much better soon. Me, I’m SO looking forward to Thanksgiving break for a little me time…. there’s not enough of that right now.
Amanda Stuart
Stacey, so many times your words feel like they are written for me. I feel like this summer I’ve done the “wake up depressed” more then normal. Life is good, kids are healthy, friends numerous, food on the table, I feel blessed, but why do I always want to say “I’ll do it tomorrow”. Why do I feel in a fog, going through routine. “Just have to make it until the end of the day!”. Wait! I’m wishing away time just thinking tomorrow could maybe, possibly, hopefully be better. Waiting for the next step in life to fall in my lap, even though I know it won’t. Regrets scare me. I’m looking back on this last decade as I get ready to enter another and it was a great happy time, but I do have regrets. Dang. I need a boost, something to kickstart me! Maybe the courage to write this will give me that little shove 🙂
I’m excited to meet you. To know a like mind. To not feel alone. And to get our sweat on! 🙂