Getting healthy can have hidden stresses.

Getting healthy can stress you out. You might be reading that and shaking your head wondering, “What is she talking about? Getting healthy is wonderful!” but hear me out. When you’re in a committed relationship and you are not healthy (addiction, obesity, low self-esteem, or many possibilities)  there’s a certain level of comfort. When one of the partners makes the decision to get healthy the comfort level is seriously altered. For the purposes of this blog, let’s call the partner that is making positive changes in their life the “healthy” partner and the healthy partner is on their journey for weight loss but this could play out in many ways–they could be eliminating alcohol, walking away from gambling or drugs, committing to getting therapy, or more.

Relationships have a balance in them. They’re like a teeter totter on a playground and it takes very little to send your partner abruptly crashing to the ground. Even if the balance is an unhealthy balance, it’s still a balance. When an unhealthy, obese or overweight person decides to take charge and lose the weight this can absolutely send their partner spiraling. Resentment can build in the other partner and become a breeding ground for insecurity and do real damage to the relationship. This resentment may create distance and doubt which is extremely troubling to the healthy partner.

Think about it. Often the healthy partner is striving for a better body to benefit their relationship. They want to feel sexy, attractive, healthy and often just to be worthy of the person they’re in love with. How ironic when the other partner feels insecurity that creates a chasm between them. The healthy partner will be excited for any improvement and feel re-energized from their progress and often rush to their partner for acknowledgment, encouragement, and positive attention. Imagine the pain they feel from the crash of their partner abruptly hopping off the teeter totter and instead of being loving and encouraging feeling jealous, insecure or resentful. This can leave the healthy partner at a total loss. The healthy partner is fired up with enthusiasm and cannot wait for their healthy partner to find them even more desirable and in their mind’s eye imagined a loving embrace with soft words from their partner. Instead, they’re harshly greeted with disgust, disdain or contempt. Jealousy is a BEAST of an emotion. It can be difficult to tame and keep in check but, if left unchecked, can destroy an otherwise solid relationship.

If you’re the healthy partner in the story, allow me to encourage you to keep the course. Keep on pressing forward in your journey toward a better you and include your partner in as non-threatening way as possible. It probably wouldn’t be a good call if you repeatedly invite them to join you in your workout, belittle their food choices, or glare at them with disapproval if they indulge in a dessert. I know, I know…I’m asking a lot. You’re excited about what you’re doing and think the whole world should do it, too. And, you’re probably exactly right for feeling that way but that isn’t going to help your relationship very much, right? Instead, edify and praise your partner when it’s heartfelt and appropriate. Examples: If they cover the duties in the kitchen so you can workout–THANK THEM for that! If they ask you which restaurant you’d like to go to because you’re on “some crazy diet”–APPRECIATE THAT GESTURE. When you’re talking about your partner to your friends or family, mention what they’re doing that makes your life better or easier. Talk about how they help with the kids, laundry, dinner, or simply don’t pester you while you workout. Praise them publicly for accepting that you’re eating two different meals at the table and that, even though someone feels like a short-order cook, you enjoy the time at the table as a family. Are you catching my drift here? There is SOMETHING that your partner is doing that makes it (even if just a little bit) easier on you to stay on track. Recognize and praise that effort. Often and sincerely. Remind them that you choose them each and every day to be a part of your life and how much their presence blesses you.

If your’e the unhealthy partner and are frustrated, try to pinpoint your source of angst through this process. What’s really bugging you? What are you really upset about? Is it that your partner is gone during family time? That you miss your morning coffee together because they’re at the gym? Are you afraid they’re getting in better shape for a person other than you or themselves? Do you feel threatened by their new friends? Do you suspect that they’re going to find some other person with a rock hard body and leave you for them? Spend some time on this–you don’t need to share it with your healthy partner right away but I recommend you take some time to get very clear on what your issues are. Meanwhile, hear them when they tell you that they adore you and only you. Try to put your own ego aside and feel their excitement and their joy at making progress on a very difficult task. Trust them when they tell you they love you. Believe them when they say they want you to find them more attractive. Celebrate how much they are honoring you and your relationship by going to such great lengths for you to find them attractive and appealing. What a statement of love for you!

If you’re the other partner and have no turmoil as to your partner’s intentions; share that with them. If you’re genuinely excited for them encourage them. If you’re the sort of person that feels better when you’re in charge, I would encourage you to avoid trying to be in charge of your partner’s pathway to health and a rocking body. They may find your help a bit controlling so ask how you can help them reach their goals faster and then do what they suggest. If you’re missing your partner due to too much time apart, coordinate date night. You might need to strap on a pair of walking shoes and take a nice stroll around your neighborhood or enjoy a healthy meal over candle light, but think of the blessing you have–a partner that loves you enough to want to be their best for you. How wonderful!