Running in the Dark

The day started as they normally did; a restless night’s sleep followed by an early morning with the Things before taking them to school, but something was not as it should have been. It was pecking at the corner of my brain like a black crow on roadkill…cannibalizing my mind. I was pacing in my house like I was caged and knew that I had to workout to work through it further and get to the root of the angst-of-the-day. I kicked around which workout to do (either Turbo Fire or Insanity Asylum) but I didn’t think what was going to be long enough to help me work through it. I opted for a run.

Apparently, I have to quit saying things like, “I’m not a runner” and “I don’t like running” as somehow I’ve turned into a runner. I must have. Why else would I pile on the layers and go run on the snow covered roads and pathways in freezing temperatures if I wasn’t indeed a runner? Especially after my last run . Anyhooooo, I digress…I layered up this morning, plugged in my iPod and strapped on my shoes and hit the door. It felt funny running in winter gloves and a winter hat, but it seemed like the smart thing to do in those temps and I was fairly confident I’d seen other runners do it so it MUST be okay (yes, if all my friends jumped off a bridge I’d at least peer over the edge to see what they were jumping into). Traffic was light as I wove my way through the residential streets to get to my destination: the TARTrail. I love that trail and I was looking forward to getting near the water. My feet found a steady rhythm as my lungs steeled themselves against the icy air.

My mind wandered. Meandered through my past, my present, and my future. I thought of my breath. The irony of sweating in the snow. My running shoes and how I loved them. I flashed back to when I bought them from my friends at Running Fit and that I thought they’d be indoor workout shoes. Little did I know…and I chuckled at the inside joke I just had with myself. I forced my mind to focus and monitor my breath for a minute and then my mind left again. Thanksgiving would be coming soon and I signed up to participate in the Turkey Trot and my mind snapped to. I wasn’t going to participate…I was going to compete! I was going to RUN and see how I fared.

Steady pounding of the pavement lulled my mind back into its floating and it deftly swept in and out of my past, present, and future. Thoughts of the kids, the holidays, shoveling snow, and suddenly I was at the water, running parallel with the beautiful Grand Traverse West Bay. I noticed my pace slowing and was soon at a walk. I didn’t want to run anymore. I didn’t like where I was going. The sun was coming up BEHIND me and here I was, running into the dark. I wanted to feel the sun on my face. Not my back. I argued with myself for a little bit and decided that the further I ran into the darkness the more time I would have running back into the sunshine and my pace picked up again. I ran into the dark, leaving the warm sun behind me.

That’s when it hit me.

“I ran into the dark, leaving the warm sun behind me.” Just like I figuratively did when I left my previous life where I was married and living in a different woman’s life. The time when I left the life I was never intended to live and ran into the dark unknown, leaving the sun behind me. Today marked one year since the divorce. My one year anniversary. I half-smiled at the irony of the anniversaries in my life…high school graduation, college graduation, my first day at various jobs, my last day at various jobs, the 8 wedding anniversaries, the 9 anniversaries of “first date weekend”, and more.

I reached my turn around point and was smiling into the sunshine and felt my pace pick up. I looked at the bay and thought of when I lived in Dallas for those three years and how much I had missed the water when I was gone from Traverse City. I remembered that I grew up coming to this bay to think. I would ride my bike down and toss it onto the grass as I buried my toes in the sand. Later, I would drive for miles around this very body of water as a teenager trying to sort through life’s difficulties of curfews, jobs, and boys. I giggled at how some things just stay the same and stopped moving for a moment. Hands on my hips, my chest heaving with rapid breathing, and captured my mental picture of the sun dancing on the frigid water and the snow covered beaches. I smiled. I stood for a few moments more and just smiled. I began to run again and realized why I was at such peace on what could have been a very sad day for me.

I’d left many things before. Boys, men, jobs, cities, cars, apartments, houses, friends… But, for the first time, when I left my marriage I didn’t stare in my rear view mirror with a longing…second guessing my decision…wishing I was still there. For the first time, I only looked at my past as a learning tool. Of course I have spent significant time reviewing the rise and fall of my marriage–but this time as a growing point. To reflect on the choices and behaviors so that I could mindfully repeat or skip going forward. When I left my marriage, I was clueless as to what my future would hold and was figuratively running in the dark. Yet, here I was a year later, proud of my decisions and my behaviors with the sun on my face.

Life is filled with challenges. Some I have fought and won; many more I have lost. But the journey is a rush and the memories and stories are priceless. The point is to GROW. Live. Love. Learn. GROW. Laugh at yourself. Accept that you probably have REALLY screwed some stuff up in your life (and chances are…will do it again in some other fashion). The point? Live.

Keep navigating your life so that you’re leaving the darkness behind you and have the sun on your face.