Truth & Lies. Marriage & Divorce. Kids. Yeah………

Written by stacey on . Posted in Divorce, Fitness, Marriage, Running.

The voices in my head were LOUD today. Deafening. And before you contact my local authorities, you should know that I love the voices in my head and have no intention of taking a pill to send ’em packing. They amuse. They educate. They resonate. They make me look at me in a way that brings about growth and change. They’re AWESOMESAUCE! Today they were begging for a run. Since my back is out and I can’t kick my own butt with my usual favs (Turbo Fire & Insanity Asylum), I obliged the voices with a run.

Going into it, I knew it was gonna be a long run (my voices and I needed to have a serious chat). As I began to find my stride, I felt a little relief. I had no idea why I was out there other than I knew the answers would come and, for right now, it was my job to juggle the questions. One of my fav songs of all time–running or not–is Till I Collapse–Eminem (explicit) . My feet are in a perfect rhythm for me. I’m pumping…I’m breathing…I’m angry. I’m not at my personal revelation yet, but I’m starting.

My ex-husband is in a relationship. Immersed. Sleep overs…kids included. It’s hard–it’s okay and it’s not on my list of stuff imma freak out about today–but it’s not on my list of favorite things that happened to me in 2011, either. I run. I breathe. I focus–my life. My future. My kids. My needs. Their needs. Where our lives will go. I run. “Until my legs give out from underneath me I will not fall…” I run more.

My iPod is more than just songs as lyrics are more than just music. They’re stories. They’re lives. They’re emotions expressed in a way that I didn’t even know I felt until I heard them and they tore through my heart. My iPod is a reflection of much: who I was, who I am, and who I aspire to be. When I run, workout, do household chores, drive….music is present. It helps me process. Fun songs come on and I pick up the pace. I push myself with songs like Cheers–Rhianna and I’m by the bay. I am enjoying what’s left of the fall and breathing. I run. I smile. I sing. “I got my Ray Bans on and I’m feelin’ hella cool tonight.” I run.

I think of my kids spending the morning reliving their lives that they don’t remember–the first few years of their lives. My 6 yr old son watches one entire video of when he was 1 & 2 years old 3 times today. He’s been inquisitive lately (When are mommy and daddy going to be married again? When will daddy stay at mommy’s house overnight? When will mommy take them to see daddy’s hockey games? What is a step-mom?”) He’s curious about his past, his present, and his future. Me too, kid. Me too. I run. I breathe. I run more. I reflect on the last few weeks of interactions with my ex. How I handled them. How he handled them. Where I can improve. What I’m doing well. Another song comes on. Mean–Taylor Swift. I run. I breathe. I reflect on my life and those people…THOSE PEOPLE…the ones that I trusted. The ones that I loved. The ones that betrayed me. The ones that tore me down. The ones that eroded my very foundation with their opinions–their uneducated, un-requested, and hateful opinions. Those people that felt it was their duty to shred me when it was their role to build me–lift me up. I run. I breathe in and out. “You can’t lead me down that road cuz you don’t know what you don’t know.” I run more.

I think about my current “single” status. I don’t resent it but I don’t embrace it, either. I’m in limbo–I go from day-to-day. I find contentment in myself. I find the value and the glory of AMAZING friends that I’m blessed beyond measure to have in my life. I am a better person because they choose to let me in their lives. They love me. They support me. They see me as I am–and as who I strive to see myself. They’re treasures and blessings. I think about my past relationships. I think about my failed marriage. I run. I breathe. I run more. I remember those vows that I took. I said those vows with 100% conviction…I was NOT going to go through divorces as all my sisters before me. I was going to end that streak. I was going to married forever. I loved him. I believed in him. I trusted him. I gave him my heart. My future. I was locked and loaded. I remembered our wedding day on the beach in Florida. I think of our families that were present. Our vows. Our promises. Our future. Where we thought we were going to go with our lives. I run. Another song comes on my iPod and it sucks me back to today–I believe in happy endings. I believe in love. I believe that someday, somewhere, another will take my breath away and force me to throw caution to the wind and offer my carefully protected heart up again. Sparks Fly–Taylor Swift comes on and I CANNOT WAIT to feel that again. I can’t wait to fall in love again. I run. I breathe. I run more.

I’m about 5 miles into this puppy and I’m near my house (again) on my run. I’m on Wadsworth and crossing 7th Street when my iPod stops me in my tracks. I can’t breathe. I want to be sick. I stop in the middle of the intersection–paralyzed. I cannot move. For the First Time–Script is blasting away and I cannot move. Breathing is hard–but I’m not moving. It’s the lyrics. It’s the memories. It hurts. I cry. I try to breathe. I cry more.

If you’ve ever been through a relationship that has died and experienced its death first hand, you might understand me. I held onto a quiet desperation that we’d figure it out and our marriage would work. That we’d pull it out of the ashes and be a Phoenix rising. That we’d come out okay. We’d defy the odds. We’d end the curse of my sisters. We’d be okay. We’d come through the other end in tact–a married couple–stronger for our battles, though scarred by the process but WE WOULD BE OKAY. 9 years together. The last 1.5 years were pure struggle and involved 2 marriage counselors but it became evident that victory was not meant to be ours. We were not going to win this battle. I cry. I try to breathe. I cry more. I walk. Slowly. Almost Zombie-like in my trance-like state, slowly shuffling one foot in front of the other. I stop at my house and pull out my fire-proof safe that is under my bed. I pull out my divorce document. I cry more. I put it away and head out my front door. I run. I breathe. I run more.

My divorce was final 11/19/10. The voices are loud because I’m about to celebrate an anniversary of something I never in my wildest dreams thought would happen to me. I’m getting my ass kicked by my sons’ questions and their excitement mixed in with total confusion. I’m barely breathing. I run. I try to breathe. I run more.

Then my iPod brings me back again. Maybe–Sick Puppies comes blaring in my ears and I’m rattled to my present. “Why does it feel so wrong to reach for something more?” Yeah, great question. I deserve happy. So does he. We were NOT happy. As hard as we fought to stay together, we got pushed further apart. The more we talked the less we understood. The more we shared with each other, the more we realized we were “meeting for the first time.” It’s hard to divorce someone when you feel they never really knew you. But, I’ll own that one. I changed too much when we wed. I took on a personality that was not my own and sold him on a product that I couldn’t sustain for eternity. I’ll take that hit. I run. I breathe. I run more.

New song. New message. Remind Me–Brad Paisley & Carrie Underwood. When I go into a relationship again, I’m not holding back. I hope to love him with all I am. All I have. And make him remember why we’re together more often than not. I “don’t want to settle for good; not great.” I believe that love is out there–but love is work. It’s natural–but not easy. It’s effort. It’s making that other person know that you are so deeply thankful that they’re in your life and that they chose you over all others. I run. I breathe. I run more.

I am nearing my parent’s house when Mr. Know It All–Kelly Clarkson pipes in. Hells yes. Exactly what I need to end my epic run to. We all fight. We all doubt. We all have people in our lives telling us that we can’t do it. Shouldn’t do it. Are too weak, too fat, too short, too tall, too whateverbullshittheywannafeedyou. Forget them. That’s their crap–not yours. That’s their story. Not yours. “When somebody tells you something ’bout you. Think they know you more than you do. So you take it down like a pill to swallow.” HEAR ME. I AM TELLING YOU THIS IS THEIR CRAP AND NOT YOURS. Just cuz it’s how they see it does NOT make it real. If you hear them and you’re shaking your head thinking, “What?!?! That’s not me!” Then, chances are, it’s NOT YOU. You do not own that. Let it fall wayside and move on. I run. I breathe. I run.

I hit my parent’s porch and I’m spent. My final thought as I pull the buds out of my ears and turn my iPod off……..I create my truth. Me. Period. If I believe it to be true then it is. If I believe it to be false, then it is. It’s MY OPINION that matters. Not theirs.

My final thought for you–when you’re in a position to make a choice to either be kind or cruel–be kind. I’ve had countless people in my life tell me I’m wonderful–their voice is not the one that resonates. The one that carries weight is the criticism from a loved one. Be kind. If you can’t be kind–be silent.

breath, Divorce, emotions, Insanity Asylum, iPod, Marriage, music, relationship, running, Turbo Fire

stacey

I'm a 44-year old mom of 2 boys that are 10 & 7. I built my business while working full time and have my own business with Beachbody...a company that changed my life for the best. I love to point out the obvious. People amuse and amaze me. I have a cape and tights that I typically misplace but I'll leap from the tall building anyway, and figure it out on my way down. The joy in life is the journey.

Comments (22)

  • Jessica Kelts

    Reply

    I’ve only met you once, Stacey, but I LOVE you! You are the best. And I empathize with you. Our situations were not the same, but I was married for nearly 11 years…. and divorced a man that I didn’t even know. I will hit the two year anniversary of the divorce this coming April.

    We never had any children and I cannot imagine how much harder it makes this for you. I wish I could give you some of the feeling of relief that I felt to be out of my relationship. And I greatly admire your belief that love still exists. I left my divorce so ready to find love and was immediately DEVASTATED by someone so much more than I was by my marriage. Still — I want to believe that love still exists, too. Your conviction is impressive.

    You feel like a kindred. I feel the same way about music. It is tied so tightly to memories. It can take you back in time to moments good and bad. I hope in the future you encounter more happy songs than sad. To this day, I can’t hear Fix You by Coldplay without crying. And I don’t even really care for coldplay…..

    • Stacey Hanna

      Reply

      Thank you so much, Jessica. Sharing myself to this level with the masses is new to me and your feedback is AWESOME. I know many divorces have gone much worse (and better) than my own and don’t pretend to know them and prefer to speak from my own experience. I respect and deeply feel what you’re sharing. And yes, music can really ROCK our worlds in more ways than one. THANK YOU for being in my life and sharing your story with me. It means much to me and helps me heal,

  • Craig

    Reply

    All I can tell you sister, is that I am extremely thankful that you came into my life! I know firsthand divorce sucks! Then again, so does being in a marriage you truly have no business being in. I spent 12 years in one of those. I also know that true love exists, and it shows its funky fried head when you are not even interested in a preview!

    You keep inspiring! Much love!

  • Gregg Bird

    Reply

    Wow Stacey! I’m actually sitting here in tears. I’ve just started my journey down the “D” road and realizing alot of the same things you describe. Those same songs affect me in much the same way as you describe. You are one amazing chica!!! my friend!!!

  • Moser_70

    Reply

    I know what your going through. This brought some old feelings back for me and what I went through. Mine may have been over 12 years ago but those same feelings your having I have had. And what hurts the most to me was the kids asking why and when and any answer I had just didn’t sound right or good enough as it came out of my mouth. The only thing you can do is what you feel is best for you and your kids. It took me a long time to learn that for myself but it sounds to me like you have got that figured out already. Take everyones advice with a grain of salt and in the end, do what is best for you.

  • choliebot

    Reply

    i completely agree with reverend dave below. i thought real hard about something amazing to comment, but everything fell short of this amazing blog post. just know that this post was GREATLY appreciated. you have such a way with words and i cannot wait to read more from you. thank you stacey!

  • guest

    Reply

    This blog hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m sitting here crying because this is EXACTLY my life right now – minus the kids. But, the minus the kids part is completely part of the relationship of 6 years that sucked up most of my child bearing years with lies, tears and much unhappiness. Thank you for sharing. It helps to know that other people are fighting the same fight, and winning. You’re awesome! Thanks again!!

  • Dianna Zettek

    Reply

    Stacey…as I sit here in tears, I am in awe of your eloquence and ability to write your true feelings down this way. I have been down this long road a time or two =( ….and am now in a loving, lasting marriage. There is always hope to find the life and love that you deserve. We all have a path to travel and we do not always know the reasons that we take the detours that we do. I believe in God’s unanswered prayers now more than I ever thought possible. THANK YOU GOD for not listening to me and keeping me in those relationships that did not nurture me. I wish only for you to find a calm peace within your quiet places and when that happens, you’ll be ready to have the love and life you seek. Know that there is an entire Swarm of people sending you healing love.

    • Stacey Hanna

      Reply

      Dianna, thank you very much, my friend. I love hearing relationship success stories and will seek them out on my darker days to remind me that it does exist. I think God answers every prayer–Yes, No, and Not Now. 🙂 I, too, thank Him for the days He quietly said, “not now.” I didn’t get it at the time, but hindsight sure makes it all become clear. Thank you again.

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